We Took the Portable Pizza Pouch Out on a Day Hike
You took the what? You read right! The Portable Pizza Pouch, of course.
Have you ever been on the trail and thought to yourself, “Man, I would murder my tent mate for a slice of pizza right now?” If so, you’re not alone.
What Is the Portable Pizza Pouch?
The Portable Pizza Pouch is a revolutionary piece of technology made from a triangular pocket of plastic with a ziplock seal and detachable lanyard. It is advertised as an eco-friendly, convenient pizza necklace that you can carry with you at all times.
According to the company, “this pizza preserving necklace keeps our nation’s favorite pseudo-Italian snack safe and toasty within a zip-lock pouch.” The pouch and detachable lanyard combo allows you “to take the choicest slice with you instead of leaving it at home, where it can be stolen by roommates or turtles with attitudes.”
We’re all about that. Interestingly, the pizza pouch has never been tested as a piece of hiking gear…until now.
On a hot summer day in southwest Colorado, we loaded up our packs and brought out the leftover pizza. We shoved a small, cold piece of meat lover’s pizza in the pouch and hit the trail for a day hike.
Why a cold slice?
- Because of its stiffness, a cold slice sits vertically in the necklace very nicely
- We wanted to see if the plastic would act like a greenhouse and warm our pizza as we hiked
- Cold pizza is bomb diggity
Why not use a fresh piece of pizza?
- I’m sorry but do you know of anything that tastes better than leftover pizza!? (besides tacos…)
We tested the functionality, convenience and overall quality of the product. You think I’m joking but pizza is a very serious thing. Every 30 minutes, we took a bite and measured the quality of the smell, taste and visual appeal.
Hiking with a pizza necklace in bear country probably isn’t the smartest decision I’ve ever made. At the start of this hike, I smelled greasy, delicious, and very edible. Despite these qualms, we pressed on.
1st Bite (minute 5): After a few minutes, we took the first bite. It was delicious, still cold and savory. This is what backpacking dreams are made of. Yes, I was certain, everyone needs this on the trail.
2nd Bite (minute 30): Our pizza was thawing. The inside plastic was beading with greasy humidity. Impressively, exposed to the sun, the pizza was warm and the cheese had melted to a delicious consistency. It smelled of plastic and week-old cheese, but like a fine wine, this pizza had matured with age.
3rd Bite (minute 60): A pool of grease and yellow liquid had developed at the bottom of the bag. I dry-heaved when I discovered its presence, but — for the sake of experimentation and not being a little bitch — took my third bite. It didn’t taste eco-friendly, but the bite was swallowable, with only subtle hints of regret and self-loathing.
4th Bite (minute 90): You couldn’t see the pizza through the humid fog layering the plastic. With the outside plastic so warm, I was fairly confident this wasn’t safe to eat. The smell of plastic even overpowered the sweet odor of pseudo-Italian sustenance. But this was a make-it or break-it moment. I pulled the pizza out of the pouch. It appeared sad, asphyxiated even.
I took the bite. Even at 5 o’ clock in the afternoon, the slice tasted like 4 a.m. sadness. Chewy, soggy sadness.
The pouch is extremely lightweight and, though the lanyard isn’t adjustable in length, it is short enough that it sits snugly against your chest.
Because of how comfortable it is, I forgot multiple times that I was wearing the accessory. Passing hikers didn’t seem to be bothered either (or were just too jealous to talk to me).
10/10 — would use again.
Points of Excellence
- I wasn’t mauled by a bear
- The plastic pouch acted like a greenhouse, effectively warming the cold pizza
- Wearing Italian food is cool and hip
- All your friends will be super jealous
Points of Sadness
- Plastic-warmed pizza is probably not safe for actual consumption. I’m not a professional but this sounds really bad.
- Orange pools of grease and moisture coming off your meal can remind you of all the mistakes you’ve made in life
- The longer the hike, the more unpleasant the eating experience becomes
Where Will I Go from Here?
This isn’t even my final form. Next time, I’d like to add a pair of doughnut earrings and a spaghetti belt to complement the pouch. Does a spaghetti belt even exist? It should.
Caution: wearing food products can be addictive. Pizza pouches are the gateway drug to fashion-forward food.
H/T to the incredible photographer Shaianne Ganey for capturing a variety of facial expressions.